I just wanted to share this powerful experience I had with God. An experience of knowing Him as Father God, our Abba. I grew up without a father’s influence and role model in my life, like many out there who are suffering.
My mom, who I love so much, did everything she could to take both roles and be the provider of the house. She did everything she could but she was without God’s guidance. She took on a role for which she was not made for and which most of the times left her feeling frustrated and angry, as she didn’t know God back then.
I grew up resenting the absence of my father. I have a memory of me crying in my small bed as a four-year-old and saying “Dad, come back. Where is daddy?” I had an emptiness in my heart as the yearn to have a father, to whom I could run when I felt afraid or when I needed his advice, wasn’t there.
The anger, the shame, the rejection I felt from my father and his family poisoned my heart to the point that it burned inside of me. It was a consuming hatred and I said that I would never forgive my father no matter what. Even if he came crawling, I wouldn’t have had mercy on him, as he didn’t have any on a 4-year-old who he had left alone. I never thought I would need a father.
God Had Other Plans
I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior when I was 17-years-old in November 2012. Oh, I cry right now as I remember how Jesus cleaned my heart. He saved my soul, He healed my wounds, my broken heart, and all the anger, pain, resentment, bitterness, and rejection I had in it. Psalms 147:3 says, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds”.
I forgave my father for abandoning my mother and me. I released all the pain and anger that I had felt for years since childhood and God took control in my life.
Months passed. At one point, I still felt that yearning to know what a father’s love felt like. Before I had told myself that I didn’t need a father because of the bitterness in my heart. Now that God had cleaned it, I realized that I was ready to receive God as my Father, my Abba. This is one of the problems we face today with the youth, that they do not know their identity with their Father.
The Father’s Voice
In a small prayer with a couple of sisters, we prayed together. I was crying and asking God not aloud, but in my head with my thoughts as I couldn’t speak because of the crying. I was asking God to tell me He loved me. That I knew He did because of what His Word said plus the sacrifice, but I needed for Him to let me feel it and hear it.
A young girl came to me. God has given her great gifts. While I was on my knees and about to stand up, she got close and told me this, “The Lord has heard your plea. He has listened to your cry, to your words. This is what He puts in my heart to say, ‘I love you daughter, and you have no idea just how much.'”
I couldn’t contained the feeling in my chest and heart at the moment! Once again, I sank to my knees. I was filled with God’s love as a Father and I could never explain that feeling of peace, feeling so full of love, of knowing that I am loved by Him. I will never forget this experience.