Testimony – I must stand alone and rely on the Lord

I have been thinking deeply of something I want to share with all of you. I don’t know if you will call this a testimony but it’s a change within me, a stronger and more positive me.

During my recent holidays, there were long hours spent in the airport lounges and the train rides. Even at my sister’s and brother’s place, I woke up early ( since I’m used to a few hours of sleep) whilst they were in bed till late morning.

At these times, I pondered over my life and all that has come by. I Praise and Thank the Lord for His blessings and providence. I’m not in lack of anything.

I always had a void feeling deep within me. Afraid to speak up and never confident of all that I have become. I am a little quiet by nature yet, friends and family found me even more quieter than ever before. There was a deep loneliness and lost feeling that nothing could fill, though in my life, I have everything.

During these times, I often prayed for the Lord to show me a way to get over this void and emptiness. In those long hours waiting in flights, trains and with family, I truly prayed in my heart that I must find something to do more than my work and family.

I must change to stand tall over the negative impact from people. I must change to free my children to start their livelihood. I can’t hold on to them, nor family nor a friend. I must realize that friends come and friends go. There’s nothing I can do extra to keep them if they don’t want to be friends anymore.

I must stand alone and only rely on the Lord.

I realize that things have changed the way I think and the way I handle things, ever since I came back. My children have to go and I’m preparing a way and praying to the Lord daily. A true friend could ignore me or leave me, I won’t feel a hurt unless I have contributed to it.

Anyone here could pick a fight or call me names or even call me evil. There’s nothing that would break my stand in caring and sharing in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Most significantly, I keep thinking of ways I could serve in another country in evangelism. Marriage or companionship seems to be not in the list fortunately and there’s a spark in my mind. Through it all, I only want the Lord’s will done and to trod in His path. The Lord’s hand will hold and lead me. AMEN!

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5 thoughts on “Testimony – I must stand alone and rely on the Lord”

  1. Susan, please know that you and your Grandson were held up in prayer today, I only found your post today and it touched me deeply. Please lean on Him Susan for He has the answer to all the problems in the world. You are not a failure and you are loved so very much by the One who watches over you each and every day, even though you feel in that void, your Heavenly Father is there with you, the Grace of God will lift and cure all, at the right time, its the waiting that is the hardest part, but keep going to the cross Susan and leave your burdens with Him because He wants you to. My thoughts are with you and my prayers to. Evie

    .”He raises the poor from the dust, He lifts the needy from the ash heap To make them sit with nobles, And inherit a seat of honor; For the pillars of the earth are the LORD’S, And He set the world on them.

  2. I feel that same void and emptiness although my faith in God has never faltered…. I’ve felt that void and emptiness all of my adult life. Even more so now since the death of my mother, the loss of my youngest grandson to his dad’s family and last but not the least… the end of my 36 years of marriage as I separated and then divorced my ex husband as he’s manipulative, controlling and was an alcoholic who loved his alcohol more than his wife and kids. Too late he realized that I was serious about wanting a divorce after a short separation as most of our marriage I wasn’t happy as he made me feel unloved and invisible when he was drinking…. which was most of the time. I’m very old fashioned so I believe that I failed miserably in our marriage but the fact of the matter is that the last 5 years of our marriage I struggled with the decision to separate from him and then divorce him as his alcoholism killed whatever love that I had for him as well as my respect for him. So why do I feel so empty and void? Compounding the effects of my depression, anxiety and panic attacks is the fact that I got fired from my job that I loved and had for 15 years because of the stress of our separation and then divorce as well as my youngest daughter’s many cases of CPS against her and her soon to be ex husband. Most of all I feel like I failed to protect my youngest grandson… his dad always verbally abused him by calling him stupid and retarded as well as telling him from the time he was one and a half years old that “Everybody hates us, nobody loves us”. I ask what kind of father tells that to his child, I even begged the two CPS caseworkers “What is it going to take for ya’ll to take away his parental rights…. how much more suffering does my grandson have to go through- does he have to be half dead with broken bones for ya’ll to do something!” But my plea fell on deaf ears and now I believe that him and his family are brainwashing him as they have claimed that he’s saying things that most 5 year olds cannot comprehend to say the things that they claimed to have said that he said!

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